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NOW LEASING: Filthy Millennial's neighbor's apartment

Are you looking for a change of scenery in Chicago?

Then why not try Uptown/Buena Park!

This great one bed provides an efficient, affordable North side home.

Heat, gas and water included!

Walk to red line Wilson stop.

Parking available at add'l cost.

Walking distance to Jewel Osco, Ross Dress 4 Less, The Dollar Tree and Target!

Around the corner from Rayan's Liquor store where the beer selection will keep your dorm sized refrigerators STOCKED! (For your sake, I hope you have a regular refrigerator.)

The most important perk, you will be Filthy Millennial's neighbor! You'll probably get a glimpse of her naked because surprisingly, she struts around her place naked, A LOT and usually with Lady Gaga record albums spinning away in the background.

Trust me, I have surprised myself with this realization.

Legally, I am supposed to tell you that someone died here...

Let's unpack that...

Thursday February, 25th 2021 around 12:20pm

I am "chillin," the sun is out, my windows are open, I am rewatching Gilmore Girls for the 2nd or 3rd time in my life.

My cousin tells me to watch Bridgerton but, I don't want to feel new feelings right now.

While I am organizing my cross stitch thread and falling head over heels for Luke, I hear two women talking outside of apartment 3C.

I creep over to my desk, new neighbors?

Let me quick explain this layout and how easy it is for me to ease drop.

The apartment building south of me is a 3 story building; my building is a 4 story building, I literally look down on my neighbors. Apartment 3C is to the right of my main window and just outside my bathroom window.

3C and I have had a pretty chill relationship since I moved into my apartment. On occasion they would wake me up with Beyonce blaring through their speakers or recorded daily affirmations which may have been recorded by Beyonce too.

They spring clean their apartment, frequently.

Mad respect because the guy in 4C has a very messy room.

(From what I can tell...not that I creep from my window...)

On multiple occasions, 3C probably caught a glimpse of my naked shadow dancing and singing in the shower.

Since the beginning of January, 3C has had a pile of stuff stacked outside of their door. Items like a microwave, coffee maker, a large unopened bag of M&Ms, a Dell desktop computer, a toaster and random documents.

(Have I given it thought to somehow getting over into the building and taking the bag of unopened M&M's? Yes, yes I have.)

I assumed that they had moved out and had just left a bunch of stuff for the landlord to take care of.

We're heading into the last weekend of February and the pile has not moved. Nobody has come in for a tour of the apartment, there has been no maintenance, it has just been quiet. I assumed that COVID had something to do with no new tenants.

Back to today.

One woman asked the other if they had seen the resident in 3C recently and the other woman responded that she had not. A moment later, the woman asking the questions was on the phone; giving her information and the location of where she was...

A few minutes after the call is placed, I hear sirens and in my gut, I hope that these sirens are not for apartment 3C.

Cops, firefighters (I think) and EMTs show up outside of 3C's door.

I sit back down to continue with my cross stitch and watching Gilmore Girls, not giving apartment 3C a second thought about what if...

Then, there is a smell that fills my apartment.

"Is someone's sewer backing up? This is terrible." I think my myself.

I begin to connect the dots...

I am now that neighbor who is listening from my bathroom window and trying to gather what the hell is going on.

"Yeah, they're laying facedown on their bed." I hear a cop say...


I hear a different officer on the phone with, (my guess) the police station and they recite their findings and the information they've gathered.

"This person has a medical history of schizophrenia, depression and anxiety.."

Oh no.

"There is a next of kin."

"There are pill bottles around the apartment but nothing that is strong, Tylenol and Ibuprofen...(mumble mumble) tranquilizers."

"The last time they were seen in person was before Christmas, the last time anyone talked to them was in January and today was a wellness checkup."

The pile of stuff first appeared in early January...

Another wave of smell blows into my apartment.

I am holding my breath and searching for my box of matches.

I light the Ocean Driftwood candle that makes my apartment smell like I live with a sexy man, a sexy man like Luke from Gilmore Girls.

Eventually, everyone left apartment 3C and I wasn't even sure if the body had gone with them.

Oh boy, Therapist Brett, you can't even begin to imagine what I'm going to throw at you tonight.

Last week, we talked about my career and this week we would definitely be talking about death and dating.

Therapist Brett, should I consider hopping on a dating app now and immediately having a guy move in with me?

Therapist Brett, have you seen 30 Rock? Remember that episode where solo livin' Liz Lemon chokes on some of her dinner and she has to give herself the Heimlich and then she thinks about her cat eating her face because no one has found her body and weeks have gone by and her cat needs to eat. Oh my gawd, Trigger is going to eat my face.

Therapist Brett, what if nobody realizes that I'm gone?

I would hope it would take less than a week for my family to realize something was wrong. My friends, it would probably take them longer. My main babysitting family would probably know before my own family because that is who I see the most (in COVID times).

It's not that I don't have faith in my friends but, I don't talk or see them everyday.

Thursday February, 25th 2021 about 1:30pm

Two men stand outside of 3C, they mumble and one walks away.

The other man proceeds to open the door and I light a second scented candle.

I had blown out Ocean Driftwood after 30 minutes because one candle alone can heat my apartment pretty well and it was getting too hot.

The second candle I light, Prosecco Rose because the next brunch I attend I will be wasted after witnessing all of this.

The man is standing next to what I perceive is the bed and he lays out a long white bag.

This would have been a perfect opportunity to close the window and play my most recent record store purchase, Weezer's Blue Album.

I continue to quietly watch from my window as he wraps blankets around the body, he lifts up one side of the quilt and...


You know in horror movies, there are two people running away from the murderer; one gets caught and the other is hiding in the closet peeking through the small crack in the door watching the other person get murdered?

I felt like that person in the closet, hand over mouth to prevent me from yelling, "You have got to be shitting me!"

He zips up the bag and proceeds to drag the body in the bag out to the walkway.

Where the fuck is the stretcher?

Is the second guy coming back to help you?

He proceeds to the stairs...







If that paramedic I went on a date with in June wasn't such a fucking piece of shit asshat, I would be texting him right now and asking him my questions on this type of procedure and if this was normal.

Did I just watch a body get desecrated?

I am filled with so much confusion, anger, sadness and denial that I go for a 3 mile run in my usual running spot,

The cemetery.

I can only hope that my former neighbor in 3C is at peace and is in a much better place. Since Thursday, I have noticed that I do say "Hi, how are you?" to my neighbors more than I usually would in passing.

I have now added the fear of dying alone in my apartment and nobody ever finds me to my list of fears along with JAWS finally killing me in Lake Michigan.

Today was most unexpected, it was not on my list of things to experience before I turn 30.

Terms at this address:

$300 move in fee

$50 application fee per person

Non-smoking building

Cats OK, no dogs




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