Let's just start out with the heavy stuff that a lot of people might be unaware of or maybe everyone has gradually picked up on it in past blog posts and I just keep brining it up...
My last relationship was an extremely shitty one that left my brain rewired into negative thinking, self doubt, a low self esteem, a diminished sense of humor, a constant feeling of unworthiness and heightened cynicism.
2 years ago, I finally accepted that something was wrong because dating was extremely difficult and I just did not understand why I felt like I was someone who just stayed on the back burner.
Enter Therapist Brett, August of 2020.
Correct me if I'm wrong, in your first therapy session, you don't quite dive into the heavy stuff immediately. Your first session, your therapist is getting to know you and your mental health.
That wasn't how my first session went down...
You know the commercial of a woman standing in front of her bathroom mirror and it looks as if she is about to throw up, then you see a zipper on her chest and she pulls the zipper down and all of these words pour out of her?
Yeah, that was me.
The suppressed ugly cry from the last 6 years shoved its way to the front and I think I lost about 2lbs from all that water weight I had been holding onto.
Felt good though, felt very good.
The last couple of weeks, my emotions were weighing on me. I couldn't grasp as to what was going on or as to what was making me feel this way, I was clueless.
Therapist Brett and I took a deep dive into the details of my week, turns out that the news of my ex, who was soon to be engaged was just hanging out in the depths of my brain.
This is absolutely NOT a "but I still want to be with him" situation.
This is a, "How the fuck does that POS get to move on to the next big moment of his life and I'm still here processing through all of the shit from the last six years?" situation.
Like wha da fuk?!
It's bullshit and yeah,
I'll admit it;
I'm jealous.
During my session with Therapist Brett we talked a lot about self worth and how I was still giving my "worth" to my ex...
Wha?
I was feeling low and unworthy because hearing about my ex moving into this next phase sent me down a rabbit hole of,
"Well I'm awesome, why isn't that happening to me? Am I not good enough? He sucks and he already found the person he's going to marry?! While I'm sitting here debating if it's even worth reactivating my Hinge account!"
I was wasting my value and my energy on this situation.
WHICH SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING!
Well...shit. Therapist Brett, you're right.
Gawd damn it, you're right.
Also, Therapist Brett clued me in on that I don't know their situation whatsoever and it is entirely different than my own experience.
Gawd damn it, you're right...again.
As we're wrapping up our session, Therapist Brett gives me a line of affirmation to say when I need it,
"I will no longer give him my worth."
I like it but, I feel more inspired by Maxine Waters' quote,
"I'm reclaiming my time."
I just swap out a word and turn it into,
"I'm reclaiming my worth."
Bing. Bang. Boom. Give me some room.
Thus starts a more in tune awareness of my own self empowerment!
To anyone who needs it, here is a list of scenarios or things that make me feel empowered and I didn't even realize it.
Reclaiming one of your favorite movies. It has been years since you watched it because you were too afraid of the potential memories that would resurface because you and your ex watched this particular movie a lot while dating. (FYI no memories came flooding back, just a good ol' cry because you love the movie so gawd damn much)
Having a bedtime routine with your cat. (Going to the bathroom at the same time, oddly empowering.)
Sitting at your desk with no pants while writing a blog, eating a Trader Joe's mini ice cream cone and giving no fucks.
Not wearing pants in general.
Celebrating non official holidays to the extreme because you fucking can! (May the Fourth be with you!)
Taking care of negative energy and or spirits by yourself.
Making the choice to wear Spanx, maybe you don't necessarily need them but this will prevent chaffing later on.
Buying the fun pair of shoes at the thrift shop because with feet your size, you NEVER have the option of the fun shoes!
Being consistent with putting your material out there, no matter how bad you might think it is, your parents and your grandma will like it anyways.
Going to therapy.
Parallel parking like a fucking champ.
Remembering to move your car to the opposite side of the street for street sweeping days.
When you actually run an errand on the same day you said you were going to run that errand.
Buying flowers for your space.
Going for a jog.
Sending out holiday cards that you created yourself!
Listening to podcasts about other women in comedy and how they basically went through or are going through the same things as you.
Having family and more specifically; two nieces that want to come and visit you in "Cheh-kago."
Living alone.
Replacing the OG shower head in your apartment with a cool one.
Willingly journaling on the most random of days.
Anytime the cheap sandals you bought from PRIMARK don't break in public.
Resting.
Wearing a jumpsuit.
Buying a half dozen donuts and accepting that they will all be eaten in the next 24 hours.
Sharing my bra size and phone number with the world.
Surviving another period.
Listening to NPR and bringing up what you learned in casual conversations.
Having your most viral TikTok be about NPR...
Dancing around to Lady Gaga music naked and not giving a shit if someone just happens to be pulling a "Rear Window" on you.
Take it or leave it but, those are some very specific moments when I feel most empowered and I would love to hear about what you do to feel empowered!
Also, please remember that your value never decreases.
When you read this, hopefully I will be awake and into hour 10 of my Star Wars journey.