The summer of 2020, it was day 3 of living on my own for the first time in my adult life and my mom made me purchase a $100,000 life insurance policy.
She gave me the task of how I will set my single life death up for success.
This is what I came up with.
First of all, let's pretend the government forgives student loan debt, WOOT!
I'm debt free!
Current plan is to be cremated but if I wind up married, I would like to be buried with my husband. If I die first, bury him right then and there.
He can't live without me.
I would like to be cremated with all of my Wonder Woman books and according to Illinois Cremation Centers that will cost about $595, we'll round it to $650 just to be safe.
Now we're at $99,350 left to spend on my funeral and other fun things. With my extensive research, when you are cremated, a website says males are left with 6lbs of ash, women are left with about 4lbs. Those are estimates, so I'm going to say when you cremate me, you'll have about 5lbs of ash and with my Wonder Woman books, we're going to shoot for 7lbs.
A plain cookie jar can hold 48 oz = 3lbs, I would like 2lbs of my remains to be put into my Wonder Woman cookie jar and left with my mom and dad.
I would like my family (Assuming I am not married and I don't have kids) to go to Ireland and either throw or dump (their preference) 1 pound of me off of the Cliffs of Moher, I would also like another pound of me scattered all over Ireland while my family enjoys expensive excursions. We'll estimate $20,000 to cover airfare, hotel, excursions and souvenirs.
Now we still have $79,850 to go and I've got 3lbs left. I would like to take a half pound and go to Sweetwater's Donuts and have my ashes made into their White Cloud donuts. Now this is probably illegal so we would have to pay off Sweetwater's Donuts with lets say, $30,000.
Once I have been turned into donuts I would like my friends, family and enemies to eat me so that they will always have a little bit of me inside them.
We still have $49,350 to spend. There are 2.5lbs of me left, there is a company in the UK called Vinyly.
Vinyly takes approximately 1 teaspoon of your remains and turns it into a pressed vinyl record...We're going to take a 1/16 lb or 1 oz of my ashes and turn them into records.
(Trust me, I would have preferred a half pound but, I had already blown the budget on the Ireland trip and bribing Sweetwater's Donuts.)
1/16 lb = 1.92 tablespoons, we're rounding that up to 2
1 tablespoon = 3 teaspoons
We have 6 teaspoons = 6 records that are all about me.
The cost of your record varies between $1,200 and $3,500 depending on album artwork, sleeve design, etc. I don't have to worry about purchasing sleeves or items to store my records in because my parents already have vinyl record shipping supplies in bulk, they have an Etsy shop.
I would like a double sided record, one side of my record will have my favorite phrases, such as:
Fuckin' Titties!
Wonder Woman!
Mmmm donuts.
Nevalee and Maryann, I'm always with you...if you eat the donuts. Always be yourself, be kind to everyone, each other and be kind to yourselves.
Thanks mom and fuck you for making me takeout a $100,000 life insurance policy and now you have to go on all of these crazy adventures, paid for by me.
You all suck for outliving me.
I love you all and I miss you terribly.
See the link in my blog for ideas on shrines but I have already given you plenty of shrine material to work with.
On side two of my record, I would like Lady Gaga's Bad Romance on repeat and for a 12" record that can be about 18-22 minutes, so we can repeat the song about 4 times.
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance.
And you can't be mad because I will be dead.
If it's possible and if my family is up for it, I would like to designate one record for my family to send to their least favorite ex of mine. They can choose who the recipient will be but, the record will simply say this on one side,
"Hey, fucker, it's me. No matter how many pieces you smash my vinyl pressed ashes into, I'm already in your home and I'm staying. So get ready to have some sleepless nights, bitch."
(maniacal laughter)
Let's say that each record turns out to be about $2,000 x 6 = $12,000. We're left with, $37,350 and about 2.44lbs of me left.
Fuck, this is too much.
Okay, the 2.44lbs of my body remaining, fill up some more cookie jars and each have your own bit of Jackie, sprinkle me in different locations or create a shrine to me.
If you need ideas,
Here is a list of acceptable sprinkling locations,
Bells Brewery
Sweetwaters Donuts
All the theaters I've performed at in the past
Our old house in Paw Paw, MI with Ranger and Cheyenne
If Ruby's ashes have been buried somewhere, drop some of me off.
If St. Francis has passed, sprinkle a bit with him.
I can't believe I'm even thinking this, if Trigger has passed go put some of me with him.
My first studio apartment in Chicago, (where I am currently writing this) so future tenants never have to live alone.
I have run out of ideas on what to do with my remaining life insurance money.
I need to name a beneficiary because if I don't then the money will go to my estate and then nobody has fun money.
According to this link above, I could name a "secret lover" as my beneficiary so even after my single ass is dead, I can still try and hit on someone by giving them everything I've ever owned and then some...
But seriously, I would like to give the remaining money to my family. I want to send my mom and dad on vacation, put some money into my nieces' college funds, help my sister and brother in law create the craft and car barn of their dreams.
No matter how crazy my funeral requests are, I just want my family to be taken care of so I don't have to waste my after life haunting them.
There you have it folks, that is my current plan with my $100,000 life insurance policy. I'll let you know if anything changes.
*Last week I intentionally planned to purchase a 6 pack of Bell's Black Hearted Ale for the upcoming Singles Awareness Day...But then I panicked and bought two 6 packs of the Black Hearted Ale.*