Filthy Millennial is far from the shallow now.

Lady Gaga, wow.

Just wow.

Did you see her sing at the inauguration last week? Freakin fabulous. She is really doing it all. Her many accomplishments reminded me of when I was younger and I dreamed of doing so many things, like being a "princess ballerina actor detective marine biologist."


So hopeful back then, if I could just accomplish one of those things, that would be great.


I'm pretty sure being a princess is still an option. I've been exchanging emails with a prince from Saudi Arabia who needs money and he has promised me a castle and marriage.

I can't be a ballerina because it hurts to stretch.


What seems like a never-ending pandemic, I'm still working towards being an actor...Like I am one...I do actor things..but, like it feels weird to say. Just look at my freakin' domain name.


Detective is out because I'm extremely gullible and I have a hard time putting two and two together if someone is hitting on me or they're just being friendly.


Since 5th grade spring break, I no longer want to be a marine biologist.


In 5th grade, I went to Mexico with my mom, her friend (who is pretty much my aunt) and my sister. Before the trip, my mom required my sister and I to watch JAWS so we would be more aware of what lurks below the surface.


I think we all know where this is going...


I was traumatized and I'm still traumatized.


Before I step foot into any body of water, I have to give myself a pep talk.

JAWS isn't real and they are a robot.

Robot JAWS lives at Universal Studios.

We are swimming in a lake.

We are swimming in a pool.

You're sitting in your bathtub, Jackie. For the love of gawd, chill out.

But, like, also, people make T-Shirts about freshwater sharks in the Great Lakes. Why would you make that into a T-Shirt if you have never actually seen a freshwater shark in ANY of the Great Lakes.

Why make Lake Michigan the scary lake, when we all know Lake Superior never gives up her dead.


During our week in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico; we went on an excursion that was lined up by a travel agent...I wanted the "Meet your Dolphin Companion in a safe pool" excursion, everyone else wanted the "We're just asking to be attacked by JAWs" excursion... which took place in the middle of the South Pacific ocean...

Not literally the middle...that's just what it looked like.


We took an hour long boat ride out to an island that gave off shipwreck and die vibes.

Once we dropped anchor, everyone was geared up and ready to snorkel. I was one of the last tourists to get into the water. I stepped down from the boat and onto a platform that had been lowered into the water. This is where I was first introduced to the feeling of anxiety and panic. I turned around to climb back onto the boat but the boat guys told me to have fun and to just step off into the water.


Maybe they would have let me back onto the boat if they had seen my face covered in fear but, all they could see were goggles.


I shouldn't have turned around...

When standing on the lowered platform you could see under the boat...

I saw 6 enormous fish, just chillin. No JAWS but, big ass fish.

They were ready to strike me down.


WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY DOLPHIN COMPANION THAT WAS GOING TO KEEP ME SAFE DURING THIS, "I'M LITERALLY ASKING TO DIE" EXCURSION?!


Before stepping off to my fate, I screamed for my mom to wait right in front of me so I could grab and hold onto her. Think of Jack and Rose, "I'll never let go."


Instead, she swam away with my sister and aunt, yelling back to me "Come on Jackie! We're leaving without you!"


FUCK this.

I HATE YOU MOM!

This is BULLSHIT.

I WANTED TO SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS!


This isn’t the first time my mom has left me alone in a life or death situation.

There was that one time when a bat flew down the chimney and found its way into my sister’s room. I was standing in the doorway and before I could even register what was happening, the bat flew over my head and my mom shut the door in my face. Leaving me alone in the hall with Dracula.


My mom, my sister and our cat, Cheyenne were safe in my sister's room.


I'm off the deep end, watch as I swim as hard as I can to my mom.


When I swim, I swim a super stressed out doggie paddle. I paddle as fast as I can while keeping my arms and legs as close to my body as possible so JAWS can't snatch me.

I reached my posse and they were already enjoying the beauty that lies beneath.


My mom kept saying, "Jackie, put your head in the water, it's so beautiful, there are so many fish, oh look, a stingray! Check this out!"


The stingray put me over the fucking edge.


Sobbing, "I can't mom, I don't want the stingray to get me!

I DON'T WANT TO SEE A SHARK! I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS!"


Eventually, I tried to put my head into the water but I was not adjusted to breathing out of my mouth and into a snorkel. I was struggling to breathe while fear and anxiety continued to shred through my body.

My mom held my hand and told me that there was a whole system in place if there was a shark sighting. We were completely safe and nothing was going to happen because sharks avoid large groups and they're actually scared of people.


I believed her....


But we all know...




























THE FUCKING SYSTEM DOESN'T EXIST!


With my face in the water, I was finally able to enjoy the beauty that lies beneath. The coral, the exotic fish and I saw the sting ray my mom was talking about. A couple minutes later, I spotted a second stingray on the ocean floor.

My hopeful and adolescent heart prayed for a dolphin to find me and kiss me on the lips because that's something that happens when you're in 5th grade.


The marine biologist career path was ruled out at a very early stage. As much as I wanted to explore the beloved TITANIC and find Jack's body, my fear of sharks was far greater.


I'm laughing too hard at the memes I've posted and I just can't figure out a way to wrap this up. Sooo....You could say that I've now crashed through the surface, where they (the sharks) can't hurt us. We're far from the shallows now.


Lady Gaga, if you're reading this. I love you and please be my friend.