Filthy Millennial has entertained A LOT of men.

In the wake of Gen Z coming after Millennials about side parts and skinny jeans, I've been nostalgic for the 90's or for the time before any of them were born. Along with watching Framing Britney Spears, I am on a trip down memory lane.


Celebrity crushes are funny and like any strong, single AF and independent woman, I started thinking about all of the celebrity crushes I have ever had.


Just to warn you, there are some weird ones, some that I can't explain and some that just make sense.


Let's take it back to the very beginning or at least as far back as I can remember.

I'm talkin' Disney movies.

Disney movies that we watched on VHS.


Some make me question if I'm a "furry"...I'm pretty sure I'm not. Even though, the strong emotional response I have when I see mascots leads people to believe otherwise.


I love mascots. I just want them to hold me and interact with me during a sporting event because that is the best part of any sporting event.


Being picked on and loved by a mascot. That's all I need.


Here is my official timeline of crushes


Circa 1994, a young Jackie is 3 probably going on 4:

The Lion King is the first movie I see in a movie theater. I had feelings for Simba and was convinced we would be married because that is normal. I'm not a furry.



1995 Age 4:

My first recollection of watching The Nightmare Before Christmas. Jack Skellington, the King of Halloweentown with a voice like that? Fuck. I could make a boner joke but, I won't.



1996 Age 5:

The Beast, so strong and so masculine. I believe this begins my bad habit of believing I can "fix" the men I'm dating. Woof.


Reminds me of an upright Simba.

I swear to gawd, I'm not a furry.



1997 Age 6:

Dimitri from Anastasia, the first human character that the Disney (was it even Disney) universe has introduced to confirm that I am not a furry. I watched this movie in December and I still have strong feelings. Are my feelings for the actor who voiced Dimitri, John Cusack?



1997 Still 6:

Hero to anti hero..Hercules! As I get older, the sexual tension has now turned towards Hades...but, I may just be going through a lonely and desperate spell.

But, like he's kinda charming.




1997 A lot of great movies for a 6 year old to enjoy:

Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm pretty convinced his body longs to be discovered near the Titanic. Woof. Come on, the last time I checked, I'm fairly certain he is still single so like...obviously, he's waiting for me.



1998 Age 7 Oh the boy bands:

Lance Bass from Nsync*...I will always love him because nobody else in elementary school did.

I think nowadays Lance Bass is one of the most popular Nsync* members because JT blows.


I never liked JT to begin with either.



Married.












2001 Age 10:

I remember going to see the second HP movie with a boy I liked. Unfortunately for him, I was crushing on Rupert Grint 100x's more!

I really could care less about the Harry Potter franchise but damn this redhead. I'm a Ravenclaw, which surprised me because I thought I would fall into the Hufflepuff realm.


Married.




2003 Age 12:

I became aware of Johnny Depp when he starred as Captian Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Carribbean and became disgustingly obsessed because I was a fucking tween. So OG character crush was Jack Sparrow but then it became Edward Schissorhands. One year, my Aunt gifted me Edward Scissorhands on DVD. I went an entire 2 years without watching it because I thought it was a horror movie. I finally watched it my senior year of high school and fell in love.

I watched it before Christmas last year and I still sob my eyes out.

Marital Status: Touchy subject, Johnny Depp overall touchy subject.



2007 Age 16...It's getting complicated now, folks:

Michael Cera. Superbad had come out my sophomore year of high school and oh boy, Michael Cera was someone I was obsessed with.



Married.






2008 Age 17:

Funny enough, Michael Cera and I also have a past. I met him the summer before my senior year of high school on the set of Youth in Revolt (I had connections).


He asked me what I was eating to which I replied,


"It's a mixture of pretzels and cashews."


My choice in words still haunts me to this day.

I'd also like to make a note that my dear cousin is cropped out of this image. <3



2008 Age 17: My first real life boyfriend and crushes don't exist. Also, he had very long hair while we were dating. His hair was just about the same length as mine and sometimes we would be mistaken for each other from behind.



2010 Age 19:

If I was never going to date a popular guy, it was going to be an awkward guy. Christopher Mintz-Plasse aka McLovin'. This crush developed in the early years of college. I don't know what it is about an awkward guy in a position of power but, damn!


All of my roommates had to suffer through this phase. Sorry roomies, love you and miss you.


Has a girlfriend.




2011 Age 20: My first and only college boyfriend. Fictional crushes are okay!


2011 Age 20:

My college boyfriend introduces me to the show, Archer. Any mature gain I made in a "socially acceptable adulthood crush," has come tumbling down! Bob, from Bob's Burgers totally does something for me as well...but, maybe it has always been Jimmy Jr?


Is this a voice actor thing? Has it been H. Jon Benjamin, all along?



Single and has a kid.




Seriously, is it a guy's voice that I'm attracted to?!

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE ARMS AND SENSE OF HUMOR!?

BUT, MAYBE IT HAS BEEN THE VOICE ALL ALONG?!

THERAPIST BRETT, WE SHOULD PROBABLY TALK ABOUT THIS.





2011 Age 20:

Norman Reedus. I strongly dislike The Walking Dead because I fear this scenario will happen but, damn...I'd follow Daryl anywhere with that crossbow and those exposed arms.


Has a long term partner.









2012 Age 21:

If it wasn't going to be an awkward guy it was going to be a fictional vampire or werewolf guy. Alexander Skarsgard and Joe Manginello. My biggest win on eBay ever was seasons 1 thru 5 of True Blood for $54.00. I had just broken up with someone and that was my retail therapy.



Manginello is married.

Skarsgard is currently dating someone but, also identifies as a feminist.


hubba hubba.



2013 Age 22: First and so far only boyfriend out of college...fuck my life...



2014 Age 23:

Benedict Cumberbatch. My former college roommate (yes, one of the three roommates who witnessed me and my sexual frustration towards McLovin') and her fiancé were living out in Edmonds, WA and I was spending Thanksgiving with them. They introduced me to the BBC hit show, Sherlock and I was HOOKED. I bought so many buttons from Hot Topic. I remember flying back to Montana and the flight attendant asked me if my buttons were the guys from One Direction, to which I replied, "Uhhh, no. It's Sherlock."


Married.



2016 Age 25:

My fly tour partner partner introduces me to the show Outlander aka Sam Heughan. We were on tour in the UK, Hawaii and Alaska. I hate her for doing this to me (kidding!)

I was in her wedding in October!


My next boyfriend, I swear to gawd will have an accent or want to wear a kilt in our wedding or just all of the time.


I think he is single or else he keeps his personal life well hidden..

Unlike myself.



2019 Age 28:

Phoebe Waller-Bridge, the one woman to change my life entirely. I find PWB very attractive but, this is definitely a talent situation.

If we were to go on a date, I would probably ask her too many questions about her career and I would also black out because of my tendency to nervously drink.




Separated and I'm thinkin' single.



2020 Age 29 you guys, this voice thing is simply starting to make sense:

Pedro Pascal. I was babysitting New Years Eve of 2020 and finally had access to a Disney+ account. I binged the entire first season of The Mandalorian. I had to look him up because I didn't know who he was off the top of my head...I was not disappointed but I was already hooked on his voice alone and


OH MY GAWD...Am I more attracted to men when I can't see their face?

THERAPIST BRETT, WE SHOULD PROBABLY TALK ABOUT THIS.


I can't believe that my submission to Love is Blind was rejected because now I think I would actually do very well on that show.


As far as I'm aware, single or maybe dating someone?


2020 Still 28:

Post Malone...Seriously, is it his talent?! I was house sitting and started listening to him. I don't know how to explain this but, I was obsessed with him and his music. My year in review on Spotify put me in his top 0.1% fans...I seriously think this is another talent thing.


Also, I don't think I could handle how much he loves Bud Light.


In a relationship.


Have you listened to his Hootie & the Blowfish cover yet?



2021 I'm not 30, yet:

Scott Patterson aka Luke from Gilmore Girls...he makes great coffee and is handy...wink wink



Married.











Okay...


If you haven't caught on in my blogs, I am 110% honest with what I write about...


So I'm going to keep the theme of honesty going in this 10th blog post...


(Happy Anniversary to me)


I left a crush out of my timeline because I am so scared..









That people will think I am a furry...







I swear, I am not.







I think we all know now, even me; that I'm totally attracted to a guy's voice...








so this is a 2019 crush...




















Muthafuckin' Benny the Bull


I love his dance moves, I love it when he throws bags of popcorn, his dance moves, his sense of humor, his dance moves...


fuck...


I think I need to start describing "my ideal guy.." using Benny the Bull characteristics and I might get somewhere in my dating life...





THERAPIST BRETT, WE SHOULD PROBABLY TALK ABOUT THIS.









*I DIDN'T PANIC PURCHASE ANY BEER THIS WEEK BUT, BELL'S BREWERY STILL HAS HOPSLAM MINI KEGS AND I'M THINKING OF BUYING ANOTHER ONE BECAUSE.....BECAUSE....BECAUSE....YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH HOPSLAM*