During the summer of 2018, anytime I looked in the mirror, all I could see was that I had a lot of excess on my body, like jelly filled donut excess. Insecurities were running high and I'm mean when I'm talking to myself...For work that summer, I was flying to the UK, Italy and Bahrain. I had never been to Italy or Bahrain but I knew that my midwestern clothes; where winter happens for 9 months out of the year, weren't going to make the cut. The climate in these places are freakin' hot.
My job entails a lot of movement, so leggings, tunics and dresses are what you will find me wearing 95% of the time. Form fitting? No thanks. Skinny jeans? I can't remember the last time I comfortably fit into them.
I love shopping but I hate it at the same time. I want to be in and out, I want to buy something without having to try it on. I swear to gawd, the lighting in dressing rooms purposely make you look terrible.
Before I flew off for work, my sister and I went on a little shopping trip. I found a pair of linen pants that would work well in Bahrain and then I wanted to find a chic outfit to wear for a night out in Italy. More than likely, a maxi dress so I could wear Spanx underneath to avoid chafing.
While browsing the 75% off clearance rack, I caught sight of a black sleeveless jumpsuit. My sister and my gut insisted that I go and try it on. First off, I have never willingly tried on a jumpsuit with the intention of wearing it in public. In high school, I probably tried one on for laughs but to wear one in Italy?! NO! This isn't going to look good on me, it's going to squeeze my tummy, my dimply thighs, my butt is going to look longer, my calves are not going to fit into the pant legs. I'm about to put myself in a terrible mood in which I will tell myself everything I am doing wrong in life. Well, here we go.
An internal monologue: Okay, first calf is in, so far so good. It's not snug, it's a relaxed fit. Hmm, okay, weird. Ope, the second calf is in and we're pulling up. This is where the jumpsuit is not going to go over my child bearing hips. What? Okay, the elastic waistband is a plus. The pants are loose on my thighs AND my hips? Nope, this isn't working, as soon as the top half is on everything will tighten up and I'll have a camel toe. Okay, the top easily goes up and over my broad shoulders, it's not tight on my crotch...is this what a "relaxed fit" is supposed to feel like? Okay, I'll adjust the tie around the waist, I actually have to take it in a little bit...huh. Okay, deep breath, let's turn around and look into the mirror that we've been avoiding.
My sister asks, "How's it goin'?"
I step out of the dressing room and my sister's eyes are huge.
"Shit...I have to buy it." I say.
After checking in with my sister multiple times that this looks okay and then trying my best to twerk my butt, because suddenly my confidence and range of motion is unstoppable! I come to the conclusion that the jumpsuit would be coming on tour with me. I look fucking amazing.
I felt like a style icon, no uncomfortable squeezing, there was a deep V down my flat chest and pockets! The events that took place that summer were completely unexpected and I owe it all to the jumpsuit. In Bahrain, I went on a pool date with a guy in the navy; in Italy, I ate and drank a lot without any guilt and in the UK, I wound up having a REAL BRITISH LOVER! Then that fall, after 5 years of hesitant planning; I finally moved to Chicago! Things were happenin' for ol' Jackie and her jumpsuit!
In 2019, I had slimmed down a little bit, instead of a jelly filled donut, I was feeling more like a sprinkled cake donut. My OG black jumpsuit no longer fit, it just kind of slouched on me. I was taking improv classes, I had a little crew of friends and I was working as a nanny. But the moment anything threw me off of my pleasant course, I tore into myself. Anything I did, anything I wore, I was never going to be good enough. I was locked into this thought pattern that I was unsuccessful in everything and I was unworthy.
Fast forward, on January 10th, 2020 (I only know this extreme detail because of TimeHop and it was January 10th, 2 days ago), I was introduced to a monumental show that would forever change my life, Fleabag.
Have you seen Fleabag?
No? Well, I bought it off of iTunes, so you can come over post pandemic and we'll watch it together. If you're not familiar with the show, that is okay because we are just focusing on one outfit. The character; Fleabag, wears this amazing jumpsuit in episode one, season two. I had a sudden flashback to the dressing room in 2018...that's where the confidence is, it's in the jumpsuit.
In April of 2020, I found and purchased thee Fleabag jumpsuit and it turns out a lot of other women wanted that jumpsuit too. I anxiously waited an entire month and a half because it was being shipped from the UK and had delays due to COVID. On the day it was delivered, before I even got downstairs to grab my holy grail, it had been stolen and the package remains were carelessly tossed into the trash. After a severely mad anxiety attack, and the need to spill blood. I reached out to the retailer and they were happy to send a replacement immediately.
Even though I wasn't leaving my apartment to have a social life anytime soon, I wanted to feel the same jolt of confidence I had in the dressing room. I just wanted to feel something. 2020 in a nutshell, am I right?
During the "shelter in place" summer, I really got into StitchFix. I was so impatient for the replacement, I whored myself out to any and all jumpsuits.
BTW, StitchFix is a clothing subscription service, your personal stylist sends you new clothing to try and you can make requests, if you're looking for anything in particular...
I requested any jumpsuit that may resemble the Fleabag jumpsuit (obviously). Shelby, my StitchFix stylist was very familiar with the show and every box I've received since July, ALWAYS has a jumpsuit. (I have received 5 boxes since then.)
In October of 2020, the jumpsuit (FINALLY) arrived, just outside my door (thanks neighbor). I tried on the jumpsuit, practically in tears and with Fleabag playing in the background just for a more dramatic effect...Well, here we go.
An external monologue: OH FUCK! IT'S IN UK SIZING AND IT'S TOO BIG! WHY DIDN'T WE LOOK MORE INTO THAT, GAWD DAMN IT! (sobbing begins) BUT SHIT, I LOOK AMAZING!
Thank gawd for my friend, costumer, seamstress, tailor and all the things dealing with clothes extraordinaire, altered it for me. Get ready Halloween 2021! I was drenched in confidence from the jumpsuit and thankfully the burst of confidence has not subsided. It honestly may just be because I own 3 black jumpsuits now...
I can't explain what it is about a black jumpsuit that makes me feel confident. It could be that the polyester material doesn't grope me in the wrong places, the full body length makes me feel like a giant (but like a sexy giant) or the vulnerability of being butt naked when I use a public bathroom. Maybe it was never the jumpsuit at all, maybe it was just the catalyst I needed to grow and consciously make an internal and an external change. Since 2018, I'm kinder to myself and I know that I am capable of anything and I am worthy. Also, I started going to therapy in the fall of 2020 and Therapist Brett has been working wonders.
When I started writing this piece, I thought it would just be a funny story about how many jumpsuits I own and my love for the show Fleabag. But...uh, we took a deep dive into how I see/have seen myself. Shit. So much for some light hearted reading.
Well, I guess to wrap things up, I will leave you with this bit of advice.
A lot of people won't try something new (clothing, hobbies, dating, positive thinking, etc..) because they have a preconceived notion that it's not going to work. Which may put them into an endless cycle of hesitation, doubt and insecurity. So, the next time you're feeling hesitant or even afraid to try something new because you assume you can't; choose to try. You may just surprise yourself and if it doesn't work, at least you know now and you're not left wondering about what could have been.
I may apply this lesson to my dating life one day but....uh...For now, I'm just going to put on my Fleabag jumpsuit and watch the entire series of Fleabag again for the 25th time because why the fuck not.
Thanks for reading! Love yew!
*Did you check out my new demo reel that was created by the marvelous, Stephanie Maloney? Go check it out in my videos, NOW!!*
1st pic: The OG 2018 black jumpsuit and a drunk off her ass Jackie on her 27th birthday
2nd pic: Phoebe Waller-Bridge (creator/star of Fleabag) in THEE JUMPSUIT in black
3rd pic: My first Stitch Fix Jumpsuit
4th pic: The altered Fleabag Jumpsuit
5th pic: The NYE Jumpsuit that was gifted from two of my best friends