Filthy Millennial signed up for HelloFresh!

If you read my first blog, you read about the overnight choice I made to spend my money on a food subscription instead of a dating subscription.

Yes, I'm going to "glow up" my cooking "cred" because anyone who has ever seen me in the kitchen knows that it's like watching a...uh..an...anxious rollercoaster...thats it. (Couldn't think of anything else to call myself.)

What do you mean an, "anxious rollercoaster?"

Well, what I mean little Susie is that there is always a fear that the meat I am cooking isn't cooked through enough and I'm about to poison myself.

I tried to make a fancy salad once and when I was about 3/4 of the way through eating said salad, I thought, "this salad has tasted a little jank this whole time." ONLY THEN did I look down into my salad bowl and see a green like stink bug...chillin on a piece of salami that I had added to "spice up" my salad...

How much salt is too much salt when you salt your water?

What does “zest“ a lemon mean, do you scratch it?

You can put your own basil into Campbell's tomato soup? I thought it was just a can of water.

I'm going to burn my hand on this saucepan because I burn myself on everything! Like that one time I bent over too far in my bathroom only to burn two red lines onto my right butt cheek because of the radiator.

Or simply, I didn't wash my hands enough after handling raw meat, so I've basically rubbed salmonella all over my counter tops, my refrigerator, the faucet handles and my face because I neglected to tie my hair back again and bangs are a hassle when you don't have them trimmed every so often.

I received a crockpot for Christmas in 2016 and in that moment, I thought my life would significantly change. I would become a master chef and men would want to date me and do me...There was no significant change. To this day I still struggle with the timeline of a crockpot.

"What do you mean I leave the crockpot on warm overnight, isn't there going to be a fire!"

"But, I planned this meal for tonight, I was supposed to prep this yesterday?"

"This was supposed to be made in the morning and left on low all day while I went to work so that I could enjoy this at dinner time?"

So if I want to fast track this crockpot meal, I heat on high for two hours instead of low for four hours?

"I'm going to break this ceramic pot if the water is too cold!"

"You're telling me that in order to make crockpot chili, I literally just dump the can of tomatoes in....I don't have to drain them?"

January 14th, my first box from HelloFresh! is out for delivery. Expected delivery time, between the hours of 8am and 8pm. I felt like I couldn't breathe all day, I cleaned, I worked out, I had a video chat with my realtor, I had an accountability writing workshop but every 5 minutes, I was looking at the damn tracker on my phone and constantly refreshing.

A contributor to my impatient anxiety, may have been that I had barely eaten all day. It had been two weeks since I had gone to the grocery store, how else was I supposed to fit the ingredients of 3 meals for 2 people into my fridge? My fridge, is about the size of two dorm room refrigerators stacked on top of each other...Getting food to fit into my refrigerator is like a game of Tetris. A game of Tetris, that I never win.

Think about an item you bought copious amounts of in the summer of 2020, maybe it was toilet paper, Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, definitely not condoms because the amount of baby announcements that happened in the fall was paramount. None of those things were at the top of my covid list; the top of my list, beer. I shit you not, I was "panic buying" beer!

BEER IS NOT GOING TO RUN OUT ANYTIME SOON BUT I SWEAR TO GAWD, I BETTER GRAB A 6 PACK OF TWO HEARTED ALE AND A 6 PACK OF LIGHTHEARTED ALE JUST BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR STATE WILL DEEM BREWERIES A NONESSENTIAL BUSINESS. OH! DOUBLE TWO HEARTED WAS RELEASED AND IT'S LIKE A FREAKIN' TREASURE HUNT TO FIND THEM IN CHICAGO, WELL I BETTER BUY TWO 6 PACKS. OH! IT'S HOPSLAM SEASON, I BETTER BUY A MINI KEG!

The prominent item in my fridge is beer...and as you can see, condiments. You'd think this panic buy would have calmed down once we got to the fall...but, you never know.

Susie, please allow me to provide another example of an “anxious rollercoaster” moment. At 8:05pm, I went outside to sit in my car just in case the delivery truck showed up and I would conveniently be able to open the door to my building for them...

Thank god for that bachelors degree in theatre where I can “act” like I’m sitting here in my car with a purpose, even though a car has now pulled up behind me and this person thinks I’m leaving and wants my parking spot.

Ope, open the glove compartment, that receipt I need for my books is in here somewhere. No? Better get out of my car, look at my watch and move with fucking purpose. I'm meant to be here.

I was about to go into a therapy session with Therapist Brett when I received the delivery notification...at 9:00pm.

I quickly messaged Therapist Brett to say that I was going to be two minutes late. I sprinted out of my place and down four flights of stairs. Please don't be stolen, please don't be stolen, please don't be stolen. There it is, just outside the door. I grabbed the box and quickly sprinted back up four flights of stairs.

I had a great therapy session that night but like let's move on.

I opened up my HelloFresh! box and instantly became overwhelmed with the sustainable packaging. Am I aroused by saving the planet or did my anxiety just spike because the packaging looks like I buy all my shit from Whole Foods and this is far beyond my cooking comprehension. The recipe cards are the size of placemats and I feel like I've been transported back to elementary school where the directions for Middle Eastern Chickpea Bowls, Chicken Sausage Rigatoni and Pork Sausage & Shingled Potatoes are in picture form.

Filled with a second wind of life, I wanted to start making a meal right away, I was starving. Besides my morning toast and coffee, I had only eaten a can of beans that day...Again, I skipped out on groceries for the last two weeks and was literally eating the canned food I bought two years ago...

It was pushing 10pm and it was just too late to eat, I settled for a panic beer. I would't be able to make anything until Sunday because I was going out of town. I hope that shit stays fresh.

*Side note: it did stay fresh and I made the Middle Eastern Chickpea Bowls, it was delicious and I was very impressed with myself. We'll see how everything else is holding up. Thanks for reading, see you next week!*