My ideal bachelorette party consists of A LOT of dicks, A LOT of alcoholic beverages and most importantly...
My family.
When/If I get married, I will be inviting some (keyword some) family members to my bachelorette party.
That is how cool my family is, immediate and extended.
Just how cool is your family, Jackie?
Well, take my parents for example; they are so cool I fear for an "as seen on TV" moment.
Example TV moment: A woman starts dating a guy and she doesn't click with said guy. She miraculously meets his parents and falls for them because his parents are awesome and the parents get along with her much more than they do their own son.
I believe that this scenario is depicted in the show New Girl...if I'm wrong, please let me know.
Therapist Brett would tell me that this is a moment where my brain is playing a trick on me...
Is it, Therapist Brett? Is it?
If invited family members choose to accept my bachelorette party invitation, they know what they are getting themselves into.
They will expect to see me consensually full throttle smackin' the ass of the male stripper that I hope someone will get me.
Even though, we all know that I will sit there, blush and giggle uncontrollably because I've never been that close to 6 pack abs before.
(Assuming he has abs, I'm fine with a dad bod too, honestly, I just want him to dance... like Benny the Bull. Can we hire Benny the Bull for my bachelorette party?)
Of course, there are some that I will not invite because they may kill the overall dick vibe I'm going for.
Well what is the overall "dick vibe" you're going for, Jackie?
Jackie's Bachelorette Fantasy list:
Dicks all over the place
Glitter and sequins
Alcohol
Donuts
A banner that read's "(Fiancé's name) Penis Forever!"
Benny the Bull Stripper, he leaves his mask and undies on
Swimming pool and/or hot tub
A killer Lady Gaga/Post Malone Playlist
A keg of Two Hearted Ale
I'll probably regret saying this, no shots...I just can't handle them like I use to. Okay, maybe one shot..that's it.
(Pic: My sister's bachelorette party, theme: housewives.)
Now, I was able to witness first hand, what partying with my family would look like in March of 2019 in Las Vegas.
My Aunt was turning a milestone age and her sister, (I call her "Aunt" as well) invited my mom and I to surprise her for her birthday and to see Britney Spears' Domination show!
*Note taken for future bachelorette party, the fam comes up with awesome things to do for a big celebration*
Unfortunately in January of 2019, Britney Spears announced an "Indefinite work hiatus" and canceled her Las Vegas residency due to her ill father...
In place of Britney Spears, we saw Cirque Du Soleil's Beatles LOVE. It was beautiful, a lot of fun, I love The Beatles and I'm glad that we were able to see the show.
The surprise for my Aunt was very successful and I finally got to see my cousin, Subversive Millennial for the first time in 4 years.
Here is a series of photos that represent my cousin and I.
Immediately, we are wondering when we can start the party and we also have a plan to "ditch" our fam so we can go hit up some hot spots on Saturday night after the show.
*A hot spot pre COVID*
Our first night in Vegas (Friday), we have dinner at Hudson's Cantina and that is apparently home of the "Original Margarita."
*Note taken for future bachelorette party, fam picks up the tab. Now that I write this, nobody will, out of spite.*
We stroll around Mandalay Bay (where we were staying) and we run into a woman who wants to know what are plans are for the evening. We tell her that we're celebrating my Aunt's birthday and we have no concrete plans.
We are then put on the "VIP list" for the rooftop bar called The Foundation Room. We each receive two free drink tickets for either a Vodka Soda or a glass of Champagne...
*Note taken for future bachelorette party, fam gives your their drink tickets.*
For the rest of the night we are cracking jokes about being VIPs in The Foundation Room and we must be so cool because we are on the VIP list for The Foundation Room.
After our day out, we return to our rooms and get ready for the evening, we get ready for...
The Foundation Room.
As we walk into the lobby, there is a line of people waiting to get into an elevator to ascend them up to...
THE FOUNDATION ROOM!
Thank gawd, we are VIPs.
The 5 of us take an elevator up and when the doors open we are transported to a life of luxury,
oooOOOoooOOO so classy in, THE FOUNDATION ROOM.
Walking through, you can barely see anything and the place is annoyingly packed with women, daddy's, zaddy's and waitstaff.
After snapping some photos and getting our groove on, respectively. We end the night a little early since it was the first day/night in Vegas and everyone is a little sleepy from our morning flights.
*Note taken for future bachelorette party, fam is going to be sleepy the first night, do we want that?*
My cousin and I plan to ride the booze train at dawn.
Saturday is spent walking around and exploring Las Vegas, that evening we have reservations for a lovely dinner and then we make our way to see Cirque. All day, Subversive Millennial and I had kept things pretty tame and we were just chomping at the bits to dance and take shots without adult supervision.
After Cirque, we waited anxiously for the fam to call it a night and head upstairs and go to bed.
It was pushing midnight...
Damn, these ladies were hangin' in there.
*Note taken for future bachelorette party, the fam can indeed keep up*
We were waiting for them to initiate that they were tired and they were going to go to bed...
We texted back and forth trying to devise a plan to get the mom's and aunt's out of there. Also, we were checking in with each other to make sure we were still up for going out and raging.
It was pushing 1am...
*Note taken for future bachelorette party, have a scheduled end time for the fam to go to bed because they make me sleepy*
The mom's and aunt's had won the battle.
We were so sleepy that we gave up and we made a pact to celebrate our 30th birthdays in Vegas.
I was chatting with Subversive Millennial last week and apparently, the mom's and aunt's were stickin' with us because they didn't want us to go out by ourselves.
This whole time, I thought they were trying to keep up...
Oh, those sneaky ladies.
So, what did we learn today class?
If you're going to invite your fam to your bachelorette party, keep these things in mind.
Your fam can come up with awesome things to do for a celebration.
Your fam picks up the dinner tab. Don't expect that to happen though...
Your fam might give you their leftover drink tickets.
Your fam is going to be sleepy that first night especially if they traveled a distance to be there.
The fam can indeed keep up with you and your party tendencies.
You might want to have a scheduled end time for the fam to go to bed because they will make you sleepy if you let them stick with you.
Your fam will always get the best and most candid photos of you.
Approximately 9:28am on Wednesday, March 10th; someone came and cleaned
up the stuff that was left outside of apartment 3C...if you have no idea what I am talking about, go read, "NOW LEASING: Filthy Millennial's next door neighbor."
*THIS WEEK'S PANIC PURCHASE...I BOUGHT A SECOND HOPSLAM MINI KEG*