Filthy Millennial's Great Suburban Expectations

Beginning this Wednesday, I'm going on a trip.


I'm going on a trip to Elmhurst, IL. That's right, I'm headed out to the "burbs."



Honestly, Elmhurst's motto should be on my dating profile.


"Jackie Wiles, close to everything. Unlike anything."


I will finally be able to stretch out in a 3,500 sq ft house.


I'm talkin'

  • 5 beds

  • 4.5 baths

  • A backyard

  • A king sized guest bed

  • An alarm system

  • in unit washer and dryer

  • Framed and matted family photos

  • Windows that open and close

  • Great bathroom acoustics

  • Area rugs

  • Stairs that have even steps

  • Legit walls

  • 3 remotes per TV

  • 20,000 light switches

  • A finished basement

  • A Peloton bike

and a chocolate lab puppy, Beau.


I'm about to LIVE SO HARD.


Living in the suburbs, I assume it's pretty chill and it might actually be pretty boring...WE SHALL SEE!


DISCLAIMER: I am not bashing on anyone who lives out in the suburbs. You live your life, I'm still exploring mine. Maybe I'll join you, we'll see after this weekend.


Here is a list of hopeful experiences I hope to experience while living in the suburbs this weekend...


  1. Sleep a lot in the king sized guest bed

  2. Use the Peloton bike and bike only to Lady Gaga songs

  3. Find the closest brewery

  4. Find the closest Ross Dress 4 Less

  5. Go on multiple jogs with Beau on the paved trails

  6. Order that delicious pizza with fancy olives from that one restaurant that the family I babysit/house sit/dog sit for always orders from.

  7. Catch up on that one cross stitch project I started awhile ago, while starting up the 5 other patterns I bought last weekend (my sister is a BISH)

  8. Lots of puppy snuggles

  9. Walk around Elmhurst and see if the vibe is truly right for me

  10. Run into that one guy I was kinda sorta dating in October/November who also lives in Elmhurst.

I'm kinda sorta kidding about that last one...


Eh...


We matched on Hinge, our first date was about 4.5 Two Hearted Ale's worth of conversation, we went on a second date where we watched season two of Fleabag (HE LEGIT LIKED THE SHOW, YOU ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SHOW MEANS TO ME!) and he made me dinner (I SHARED A DOUBLE TWO HEARTED FROM MY BEER STASH; YOU ALL KNOW HOW MUCH I DON'T SHARE MY GOOD BEER UNLESS I KNOW THE PERSON I SHARE IT WITH WILL APPRECIATE!). Our third date was dinner and a movie at my place, we watched my all time favorite movie; that's right you guessed it, The Nightmare Before Christmas and I told him how I love this movie so much, I have the script memorized and nobody ever wants to watch it with me because I do my own sing along and quote along. He also called Jack Skellington, "Jack Shellington" because he hadn't seen the movie in forever and wanted to impress me with his knowledge of character names (THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MAJOR RED FLAG!). Our fourth and final date was dinner and a movie at his place...A week or so after, he texted me that he didn't care to continue dating because he didn't feel that "extra spark."

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If I were to run into him, I would say,


"I'm not Amazon Prime 2 Day Shipping, this spark that you speak of doesn't exist and relationships take time to build

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Bitch."


So yes, my weekend in the burbs shall be fun.


Wednesday evening:

  • Arrive around 5:30pm

  • Succesfully dismantle the house alarm

  • Get Beau out of his kennel and give him some sweet puppy lovin'

  • Walk around the house in disbelief and wonder how to take up as much space as possible

  • Check out the beer situation

(The fam told me to drink their beer and to drink a bottle of champagne)

(Slowly, put two and two together on why they were so adamant about me drinking their beer... Miller Lite, Miller EXTRA LIGHT BEER)

(Please note that the refrigerator is exceptionally tall compared to mine.)

  • Disappointed.

  • Thank gawd, I brought back up, A Hopslam mini keg. (Don't worry I still have one in my fridge back home)


  • Research how to operate a Peloton because how the fuck do these things turn on? It's as simple as plugging it into a wall with the power button behind the screen...fuck

  • Take a 30 minute Lady Gaga ride and I am LIVING

  • Put Beau in kennel for bed

  • Set house alarm

  • Take a hot ass shower

  • Crawl into the bed and simultaneously orgasm because it's memory foam and king sized.

  • Pass out in peace.



Thursday:

  • Wake up early

  • Turn off house alarm

  • Let Beau out

  • Feed Beau

  • Go back to sleep for at least two more hours

  • Wake up and push a button for coffee to be brewed

  • Again, wander around the house in disbelief at its size

  • Take Beau for a walk on the nicely paved trails...in the rain

  • After walk, take an hour long Peloton ride...FML

  • Take another hot ass shower

  • Get ready for the day like I'm going to go grocery shopping; instead order that pizza I talked about earlier. Standard Market Grill is the restaurant BTW...forgot that it comes with mushrooms.

  • Take nap with Beau

  • Writer's Accountability Workshop where I give everyone a tour of the house at the end of the session. They are impressed.

  • Time for Therapy!

  • Put Beau in kennel for bed

  • Set house alarm

  • Crawl into bed and pass out instantly, again.

  • Cry a little because I love this bed so damn much.

Friday:

  • Wake up early

  • Turn off house alarm

  • Let Beau out

  • Feed Beau

  • Go back to sleep for at least two more hours

  • Wake up and push a button for coffee to be brewed

  • Take Beau for a walk on the nicely paved trails, so sunny!

  • 30 minute Peloton ride

  • Take a hot ass shower

Stand butt ass naked air drying in contemplation at the huge windows, I'm certain the neighbors next door and across the street have a full blown view of my naked body.

In Chicago, I never worry about anyone seeing me naked, I'm a floor above the building next door and one of my neighbors passed away.

Holy shit...

I'm only 2 days into my suburb life and I've already developed a routine...

I haven't exercised 3 days in a row in forever...

Back in Chicago, on Friday's I would be 6 cups deep in coffee and cross stitching.

I haven't cross stitched at all!!

BEAU IS TOO NEEDY!

TRIGGER AT LEAST LEAVES MY CROSS STITCH ALONE AFTER 5 MINUTES!

Or I would have at least made a round in what I call, "Jackie's Triangle!"

(This isn't sexual, I swear! I wish it was but, unfortunately, it isn't.)

It's where I load up my backpack with reusable bags (gotta avoid that shopping bag tax!) and I walk to Target, Ross Dress 4 Less and Dollar Tree!


JACKIE'S TRIANGLE!

WHO HAVE I BECOME?!

  • Head to the grocery store and make pitstop to a liquor store because it is officially OBERON SEASON!

  • Bre arrives!!

  • Pop open the Hopslam mini keg

  • Get ready to go out

  • Put Beau in kennel

  • Take a cheap ass Lyft to the local Irish Pub

  • Walk in wearing masks and everyone looks at us like we're FREAKS!

  • Listen to a band called, Chicks with Picks and cheer for them hard because they are badass.

  • Walk next door to a bar with a neon Bells Brewery sign.

  • Bre refers to the Bells sign as my "Bat Signal", she isn't wrong.

  • Walk into the bar again with masks on and everyone looks at us like we're FREAKS!

  • Get a beer and a shot...halfway through beer get really tired and walk out of the bar with beer still in hand...

  • While walking back to the house, 3 people are walking behind, which makes us look over our shoulders (The life of a woman, am I right?). They say "We're cool, you're safe!" and they wind up walking with us until we turn onto our street.

  • We get into the house.

  • Blackout.


Oh my gawd, do people think I'm a local?

Saturday:

  • Wake up early

  • Ow, my head.

  • Turn off house alarm

  • Let Beau out

  • Ow, my body.

  • Feed Beau

  • Throw up into toilet.

  • Try to sleep for a few more hours.

  • Throw up again into toilet.

  • Bre wakes up

  • Throw up into toilet one last time.

  • Vow to never take shots again.

  • Make a Bloody Mary

  • Couch ridden for the rest of the day

  • Order Chinese food

  • Take Beau for a walk

  • Drink an Oberon

  • In bed by 11:30pm


Sunday:

  • Wake up early, not hungover.

  • Turn off house alarm

  • Let Beau out

  • Feed Beau

  • Empty dishwasher

  • Swap around laundry

  • Go back to sleep for a couple of hours

  • Wake up and push a button for coffee to be brewed

  • Take Beau for a walk

  • Introduce Bre to Ross Dress 4 Less

  • Take Bre home and stop at mine, oh sweet 245 sq ft.

  • Drop off half my stuff because I have a lot of leftover food and even more beer.

  • Head back to the burbs

  • Take Beau for another walk

  • One last sweep through the house just to triple check that no underwear has been left behind

  • Drive back home at 6pm.


Here are my final thoughts of my weekend in the suburbs:

  • I don't know if it's just my single ass talkin' but, I really don't need 3,500 sq ft.

  • Being single in the suburbs, I can already tell it would blow.

  • People are either high school sweethearts, newly married, young families, old families, retired, grandma's and grandpa's...might actually be easier to obtain a Sugar Daddy in the suburbs, just a thought.

  • The suburbs are on a completely different plane than the city with mask wearing.

  • Too many stop signs.

  • The neighbors can definitely see you naked

  • You're close to grocery stores, restaurants, etc. but not really.

  • Any single looking male I saw in the bar, I'm pretty sure was definitely underage.

  • Lots of people walking their dogs on the trail, can't quite make an easy escape unlike in the city where you can turn down a different street to avoid a potential puppy confrontation.

  • I want to adopt older dogs so I can make sure the remainder of their life is a good one.

  • Last, but not least;


The suburbs can't beat the Chicago skyline outside my window.


So, at least for the time being (it's going to be a long time), I'm good in the city.















*THIS WEEK'S PANIC PURCHASE A 6 PACK OF OBERON AND A 6 PACK OF NO, YEAH!*